It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
