Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
