I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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