The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
