Soap is not a condiment
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
