Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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