Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Green mimosas i think yes
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
