I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
