Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
