You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
