i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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