I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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