How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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