i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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