Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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