I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
