Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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