toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
