I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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