Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
