i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
