I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
