You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
