While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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