She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
