it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
