Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
