Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
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