Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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