Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My bed smells like the plague
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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