smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
