Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think I have vodka in my lungs
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
