she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
