At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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