i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
