member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
