You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
