I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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