I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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