this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
