I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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