she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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