Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
