Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
