He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
