There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
