you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
