life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
