I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
