Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
