your parents love me but you hate me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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